Girlhood? Womanhood? or the in between?

My age seems pretty solidified and understandable but I find myself caught between girlhood and womanhood.

I see a matured face and a wider set of hips but my soul still reaches for the phone to call my mom when I’m spiraling about life. I mean I am still on her healthcare plan and she is my emergency contact. Yet I’m paying my own rent, bills and for my own everyday necessities.

I have to let people down through healthy communication and also have to help people out through tough love, even though I feel like I should be the one receiving those lessons still.

I really think I could write hundreds of think-pieces about being in your 20’s and still not have an answer, only rationalized ideas to get me through.

Will I ever feel my age? What I do know is I will never feel that age again.

My younger self would be proud of how far we’ve come but my present self would soften the blow of reality that my younger self did not write into our fairytale.

But maybe I should let go of what I once thought I would be and get to know who I am becoming. Because one day I am going to lose this version of myself and meet yet another, older, wiser version of me.

What strikes me is that I feel more prepared than some people I know in their late 20’s yet behind compared to people a few years younger than me.

I know, I know, comparison is the thief of joy but I am just looking for connection and to relate to make me feel as if it’s going to be ok. And it will but until then I need to embrace the most uncomfortable and stressful time of my life.

Being caught between girlhood and womanhood allows me to mess up and try again. I get to work hard AND dance until the sun comes up. I have major responsibilities but also major freedom.

That can be confusing for my not-quite fully developed frontal lobe. I so eagerly want to figure it out but what's the fun in that?

Recently I experienced drama that I haven’t felt since high school but this time rent is due the next day and I need to go grocery shopping. There is no avoiding each other at the lunch tables or straight up scrapping in the quad. But since I still feel 17 years old at times, I am not and I need to make sure my priorities are straight instead of worrying about who has my name in their mouth (which still pisses me off btw).

Though petty drama like that will continue throughout my life, each year brings more of a sense of tranquility that allows those rumors to roll off my shoulder and prioritize more things such as money going into my savings account.

My self-awareness leads me to believe I’m on the right track, but it is those childhood traits that resemble slight immaturity I am working to shake.

XOXO,

S☮️