Dad's Day #777

Yes, I have been M.I.A, Blah Blah Blah. I am not about to bore you on why. However, as February and March slowly lingered but accelerated our calendar into the second quarter I was caught by surprise.

I had a reflective past couple of months and came to conclusion on why my mental calendar feels so dreadful during February, March and April.

April 7th, today, marks seven years since my dad passed away. This day is especially tough but I never made the connection that the months leading up to his death activate a PTSD response causing those months to feel miserable as well.

Grief is weird like that. Every year a new form of grief enters my mind and I have to learn to deal with it. My grief manifests as paralysis or procrastination. My lack of motivation during these months come from a trauma response I learned when I was 16 years old. My household leading up to my dad’s death was very still and focused on him. The air had a sad form of acceptance that the end is near.

Yet the end is not near and the flowers are starting to bloom. The sun is starting to shine and the butterflies are floating by.

Each year my mom, my brother and I celebrate my dad’s death anniversary calling it “Dad’s Day”. We get together and make the best dishes he would make for us such as fried rice, potato tacos and his favorite birthday cake, pineapple upside down cake. We listen to Red Hot Chili Peppers, Alice in Chains and Yellowman. Our favorite memories of him are shared and the world feels normal for a second.

This year my mom and I hiked up the Tenaja Falls near my hometown. I have many memories of hiking up these waterfalls with my dad. Even growing up we would explore the Santa Rosa Plateau, hiking through the Vernal Pools and taking our family Christmas card photos.

Clouds shaded us as we hiked up the trail and as soon as we reached the top, sparked a joint and enjoyed the view; it started to rain. Not a heavy rain but enough to liven us back up and remind us my dad is always around.

My dad was a big Dodger fan and while we were at the top there was a Dodger Buzzball on the ground. As silly as it seems it felt like my dad was there.

I have a big fear that I will forget my dad or not speak about him enough. I feel like I do not try to bring him up often because I do not want to kill the vibe or be deemed as someone who is looking for pity.

In reality, I need to speak about my dad more often even if it is just to my family members. To honor and remember his soul as it clearly still lives on around us.

I have written a few pieces about my dad and my experience with grief if you would like to check those out, I linked them below.

BERLIN BEYOND BORDERS: https://medium.com/berlin-beyo...

LA VERNE MAGAZINE (pg 12): https://lavernemagazine.org/wp...

Just know the hard part of my year is over and I feel more motivated and inspired to make my dad proud.

TTYL!

XOXO, ☮️