Situationships, high school sweethearts and more: Love Letters #1

Navigating relationships is never easy. From forming new connections, establishing long lasting friendships or to maintaining a healthy romance; It can leave you with all of the feels and even more questions. We definitely do not have all of the answers, and sometimes we desperately need advice.

XSTSY MEDIA introduces “Love Letters with Dr. Liz.” In this multiple-part series, News/Life Editor, Taylor Moore will meet with licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Elizabeth James, affectionately known as “Dr. Liz,” and ask her questions that were sent to XSTSY MEDIA anonymously via a questionnaire from readers needing advice with their love life, friendships and more

The information provided in “Love Letters with Dr. Liz” is for informational and/or educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling, psychotherapy, diagnosis, or treatment. While Elizabeth James is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) and licensed professional clinical counselor (LPCC), with a doctorate in marriage and family therapy and a master’s degree in clinical psychology with an emphasis in marriage and family therapy, James is not providing therapy or counseling services in this setting. Participation in this program or use of this content does not establish a therapeutic relationship. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. For ongoing support, please seek the services of a licensed mental health professional in your area.

Dr. Elizabeth James has been in her practice for 21 years. She received her doctorate in Marital and Family Therapy from Loma Linda University (LLU), her Master’s in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy from Azusa Pacific University (APU), and her Bachelor’s in Psychology with a Minor in Music from University of California, Riverside (UCR). She says her path to becoming a therapist happened naturally through her background and family dynamic. From an early age, she recalls being an avid listener. Her interest in psychology continued to grow, until she felt a calling to try to heal people’s marriages, families and relationships.

For more information or to schedule an appointment with Dr. Liz, visit her website at www.drelizabethjames.org.

Dr. Liz: What I'm hearing here is a lot of fears, concerns and some worry around stepping into a friendship or a connection too quickly again, because you don't wanna get hurt, right? You don't want your feelings hurt again. So we're very cautious. We put up a guard, right? Then, we're just a little bit more protective of ourselves.I also hear that there's some anticipation or expectation for the other person to change. But I'm kind of wondering what would you need to do to change? Like what about you needs to change in order to make sure that your frenemy and yourself are on the same page? Is there a need for more direct dialogue or communication? Having a real conversation about your feelings and your thoughts with this frenemy so that we can move from frenemy to friend again. It sounds like you both have a beautiful history and connection and we wanna make sure that that continues to something that's in place for you both, but if we don't have a conversation about that, it's kind of like putting a big wedge in the middle of you two. That kind of metaphor and not really addressing what might be in between you both so that you both can move forward and have a deeper connection as friends.

Dr. Liz: First and foremost, I'm sorry to hear about this situation, it's painful for anyone who's been in this particular situation, whether it's either side of the token. It's difficult because both parties essentially need to take responsibility, that's the most challenging situation. You're left here now with a big loss. You're left with disappointment and a sense of an inability to trust again. And so that right there is what makes collecting yourself and moving forward difficult.

The challenge is not having the best experience to begin to open yourself up and be vulnerable to the next person who might come along. We can create some barriers and feel like we need to protect our emotions and ourselves from the next person. You're probably looking at yourself thinking, ‘Oh my gosh, is it me?’ Feeling torn with some guilt, maybe some self-shame there. But you were a victim in this case. And so I think really looking ahead and considering how to build yourself up after a huge devastation twice, you know? And creating a space to look at your strengths and areas where you can maintain a sense of self-esteem so that you will be able to attract someone new. Because sometimes we kind of shut ourselves down after we've been in this kind of situation. We don't open ourselves up to the next person. And then you're also asking now, ‘How do I figure out (if) the next person is lying?’ Well, we're not the FBI, right? And we can definitely get into that place where we start feeling like, ‘Oh my gosh, I can't trust anybody. Who's telling me the truth?’ We start getting skeptical. I think there's some healing that needs to happen where you can start to begin to think about not just forgiving the person who you know you were in the situation with, but particularly yourself. Self-forgiveness self-compassion; Life is full of experiences and areas for growth. And this is just one of those stepping stones where you can maybe begin to look inward.

Dr. Liz: It's so hard to shut the world out when all that matters is just you and your partner. I totally hear feeling torn between uplifting and upholding this relationship and also trying to please others around you. I think you both are off to an earlier start than maybe others. It sounds like you both are very committed to not just the relationship, but each other. I'm also appreciating that you both are on the same page with your goals and established agenda. With this relationship, not a lot of folks have that strength to tune others out, so that unit begins to separate. Friends and family are important. We don't wanna shut them out or say, ‘Oh my gosh, your opinion doesn't matter.’ But really the best thing to do is (say), ‘Oh, thank you so much for your thoughts. We'll think about that.’ As long as you both are on the same page, you both have the same plan and the same goals for the relationship. That's going to serve as a strong foundation for future plans. My recommendation here is really just to focus on you two. Gather the thoughts and opinions from other people. I think they're valuable, but focus on the two of you and see what you both can do to help everyone else know that you both are very serious about each other, and that this is a big commitment, that you wanna step into an even bigger commitment. I think that helps other people – families, friends, loved ones – to know that you both are strong together.

Dr. Liz: You're speaking my language here because I'm an attachment-based therapist. I think there's a lot going on here. I wanna start with you, because you are the primary focus. It sounds like, and don't take this the wrong way or anything. But it sounds a little bit like this connection, I don't wanna call it a relationship, but this connection with this other person is a little one-sided, that you're invested way more than he is, as you had said. He has quote-unquote, ‘commitment issues.’ I wanna kind of bring it back to you and ask the question, ‘What does that mean for you?’ If you're investing so much and you're not receiving that, what's that like for you to kind of step back and say, ‘What am I doing here?’ I think I appreciate the head over heels connection in the beginning. But I'm not quite sure that there's some equality in this connection. I think doing some internalized work to put up the mirror and say, ‘Is this what I really want or do I want more for myself?’ If this is what you want, maybe there's ways to have a dialogue with him or maybe some more clear communication about some boundaries. Maybe if there's a mutual agreement that this is how this connection's going to be, then you're aware and you're informed. But is there more that you are wanting and that you're not getting? That’s where you need to ask if this is enough for me.. Maybe I need to be thinking about whether I should stay or should I go? And I totally hear feeling torn. That part sounds painful because you've invested so much and it could be hard to say goodbye. Think more thoroughly about what you want for yourself and for the future. Because somebody else might come along and we'll wanna make sure that that person is also reciprocating your needs, and fulfilling what you're wanting in a relationship.

Taylor: I want to chime in here for this question. I was reading through and even kind of caught the keywords of ‘mutual’ and ‘obvious’ for this connection. I wonder if there was any discussion between the two. Did either one of you know what the other was looking for or was this we met, we clicked, and it was great. Do we just leave it here? Are we both interested in a relationship? Are we not looking for commitment right now? I think a lot of the time we don’t have that conversation. I think us as humans tend to kind of bounce around communication. So maybe while you yourself are a commitment type, what if he's not? At the end of the day, sure, people can change, but it's not up to you to actively change a person, you know?

Looking for advice on your love life or friendship troubles? Submit your questions here and we will get to your responses in the next edition of Love Letters with Dr. Liz, who is more than happy to help!

Taylor Moore can be reached at @bytaylormoore@gmail.com.