The Truth on Adult Friendships

Best friends forever. More like best friends for a brief period of time, then you slowly drift apart, talk once in a blue moon and watch them live a life completely separate from you. And that’s okay. Do you know why? Because it’s hard to manage adult friendships. Dare I say it, but sometimes maintaining a healthy friendship is more complicated than a romantic relationship.

Friendships require a better sense of understanding that just because you might not see each other or talk everyday (the way we all would in our childhood) doesn’t mean that the friendship is null and void. Adult friendships require planning hangouts that won’t happen for seven business days, and understanding that sometimes you have to cancel said hangout because you’re exhausted from work or don’t have the funds for the night out you originally planned for. It requires a lot more patience and flexibility, and not all friendships stand the test of time. And it’s not like there’s a friendship manual on navigating adulthood together. Friendships really get tested as you grow up, and you’ll learn just who is a true friend or who was for that moment in time.

Now that I’ve finished preaching to the choir, let me get something else straight: that doesn’t mean that losing friendships doesn’t hurt. You can rationalize it all you want, be the most emotionally mature and understanding person in the world, and looking back on a lost friendship can still rattle you.

A 2021 survey from BetterHelp said that 67 percent of Americans remain close to a childhood friend, and three in ten have lasting connections with friends from their childhood.

But, a recent survey from Greatest Reactions found that 91% of people are no longer friends with someone they once considered their best friend.

I have very fond memories of my childhood best friend, but was it bizarre to walk through Target, walk past her and pretend we didn’t know each other? Absolutely. Why didn’t I say hi? Was it because I was too afraid? Was it because I still felt a little hurt about the way our friendship seemingly ended out of nowhere? It’s strange how I spent almost every single day at her house from elementary to middle school, to then becoming a stranger who wishes her happy birthday every January. I never knew why that friendship ended. I chalk it up to us growing up into two different people, but there never really was any closure there.

And what no one tells you is how hard it becomes to make new friends as an adult. I have about a handful of very close friends, one of them being my boyfriend. I find I personally have an easy time making an acquaintance with somebody or jumping the gun to wanting them to be in my close circle without truly thinking it through; No in between. And sometimes that bites me in the behind later on, because I tend to trust people far too easily. And then when I have gotten a bite in the behind, trust issues started to develop. I find myself saying I want to make more friends, but when the opportunity presents itself, I get anxious and find every excuse to cancel plans with people that aren’t in my handful of close friends. Why can’t we go back to simpler days? When making a friend was as easy as sitting next to somebody during recess or sharing a snack with them without the triggers of social anxiety?

TikTok user Sophia Alice posted a video with the caption, “maybe I am just hard to be friends with.” And there were so many heartbreaking comments in agreement.

“All I’ve ever wanted was a close group of friends.”

“Making friends in adulthood is one of the most difficult things ever.” I liked that comment. Silent repost.

“:( Fr (for real). Isn’t your 20s supposed to be your best years?”

“I feel like I’ve never had real friends. :(“

My algorithm kept bringing me back to videos like this for the rest of the week. I guess my Tik Tok wants to hurt my feelings just because I liked one video… darn you.

And don’t even get me started on friendship breakups. Sometimes that is a pain like no other. Sometimes there’s not a true reason a friendship ends, people just grow apart (completely understandable), but that doesn’t mean it’s not painful.

TikTok user Aly wrote, “I lost my best friend of 14 years less than a year ago. We just… grew apart. I asked her if she wanted to be friends anymore because it had been months since hearing from her when I was always the one reaching out, and she never even responded.” Girl, I feel your pain.

I had the same incident occur, only she wasn’t a longtime best friend. She might as well been one though, with how quickly we clicked and bonded. I had actually met her through her boyfriend since he was the first friend I made in college. He and I bonded in class (via Zoom mind you, shout out class of 2024 dealing with our first year online) over how we were still with our high school sweethearts, our first loves. He insisted I had to meet her after I expressed wanting more girlfriends and said that we were the same person. When I met her, it felt like I had known her forever. We had similar humor, could talk for hours and had so much in common. It helped that our boyfriends became friends, too. The four of us went on vacations and some amazing double dates. We all talked about wanting to be in each other’s weddings and raise our kids together.

Then, this year we got busy, or so I thought. She was a low maintenance friend. We could talk every couple of months and everything felt the same… so what changed? Texts became infrequent, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary. Then instead of being infrequent, my texts were left unanswered. I had to ask four times in one month if we were okay. Finally she shared with me that she felt she didn’t want to “waste time and energy into this friendship,” and that she had outgrown me. Ouch. But what could I do? I can’t beg someone to be my friend, no matter how much my heart was breaking. And man, I’ve never gone through a serious breakup, but that felt like one.

Some people are meant to be chapters in your life, not a recurring character throughout the entire novel. I will forever look at that chapter with a bittersweet fondness (but it took me a lot of time to admit that it myself).

So is there a light at the end of the tunnel? I think (or at least I hope) that we have someone who is like that for us.

For me, it’s two people right off the bat; My boyfriend and my best friend, who I now call sister because she’s surpassed the bestie title. Focusing on her, I think the best way we have navigated our almost ten-year-long friendship is understanding. We went from living just six minutes apart and seeing each other every week to now living an hour away and seeing each other maybe once a month. We understand that we both have lives, and that even if we are busy with said lives, we still think about each other and love one another.

Her and I are an unusual set of friends since we do communicate every day, either in text or just sending random memes throughout our day, but we know that’s not for everyone. All it takes is knowing that your best friend is thinking about you. It’s not super hard to send out a text every once in a while to let a person know that you care, so send that text. Effort, even the smallest amount, goes a long way in a friendship.

So even if you don’t have a big group of friends the way you did in your youth, that’s okay. Sometimes you only need one good solid friend, or a couple.

Or if you’re wanting to make some good friends but are struggling, start small. Start with a smile or engage in small talk. Maybe the bond will grow, maybe it won’t. But again, effort can go a long way.

And if you do feel a friendship losing its spark. Take a minute to think to yourself: Is there a way to salvage it? Or am I content to let it fade out? Either answer can be correct. That’s life in adulthood, baby.

Just know that we’re all in the same boat, and if anything, you have a friend in me as you’re reading this (I hope you did read that as Randy Newman’s iconic song from “Toy Story” 1995 lol).

Taylor Moore can be reached at bytaylormoore@gmail.com.